Woke up to an episode of dread
I woke up this morning after only two hours or so of sleep to find my stomach in knots and heart rate at 90. I got up and drank some alka seltser and measured my blood pressure, it was 144/91. Now it’s down to 134/83, not great, but not bad either. Starting to come down to a reasonable heart rate as well, hope this passes soon. Feels like i’ll die if I go to sleep. I ate some white castle after coming home from a great night at neo’s, i’m sure its the food that did it. I was so upbeat before that. I have to stop eating at fast food places. And I need to go to the doctor to have a check up. Please wake up again, there is girl I have to go see about.
Head woozy
On on crappy note. Started feeling woozy and strange just now. My head feels like it’s under pressure. But not like a headache, more like a my head is swimming. I’ve had this feeling before but not sure if it was ever this prolonged. It comes and goes, feel like i’m going to die, but I don’t have the anxiety that would usually come along with those feelings. Strange kind of almost calming. Can’t really explain it. Would like it to go away. Should have taken an extra advil, maybe it’s an oncoming tension headache. Fuck…I hate my body. You suck body.
creditors update
Meeting was in the morning, I swear it only took about 10 minutes total. Everything went off without a hitch. In two months or so I will get the bankruptcy notification and all should be over by then. Time to start a new.
Creditors
Meeting with the creditors for my Chapter severn bankruptcy is in the morning. I meet my lawyer at 9:15 in the morning. Hoping all goes well, time to sleep.
Catatonic day
It’s been one of those days. It’s valentines, but that not the reason I feel like shit. I had badly spent day yesterday, well more like badly planned. Helped a friend out with a job by driving him to and from. Ate McDonald’s breakfast and a late McD’s lunch. Ended up sleeping on the couch for about a couple of hours. Woke up feeling horrible. And could not go back to sleep my mind was racing and my head was hurting. This morning after having slept,what I believe were four hours. Woke up with a really bad stomach ache. I have diarrhea and not sure why. I’ve been back and forth between the couch and my bed watching tv and tumblring. I hope this goes away soon. I have plans the next couple of days and would love to function as normally as possible. Fuck my life.
Source: freedumbparkway
Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I’ll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day.
Source: lexxi13
One of those nights.
I’m having one of those shitty nights. After a pretty good couple of weeks, i’m having stomach problems and I can’t sleep. My heart pressure is around 140/90 pulse 68. Near hypertension. I’m trying to calm myself down so I can sleep properly. Need to lay off crap food and sugary drinks. My body is not feeling all that great. I thought I had a breakthrough, but I guess not. Writing this hoping it will make me feel better. Will check my rate again in a bit. I feel my stomach is not digesting something. I think I have to much sugar in my system. It’s all I can come up with. Wish I had health insurance, they wont take me due to my pre existing conditions. Depression and the like, overweight, among other things. I wish Rebecca was with me. I miss her so much and don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I just couldn’t help myself. She is so beautiful, I fucking love her face. I know that every time I see her, I just want to kiss her. And I want so much more from her physically. I need her so much, but I also don’t want to fuck things up between us again. I thought we were done all together, but she still communicated with me while I was with Ana. Please go away you fucking sour taste and tired feeling. Dear body, please feel well, I can’t take too much of this roller coaster. It’s not fair brain, just shut off when you need to and everything will be OK. Why does my body deceive me so. Whey can’t it just be normal again. I’m hungry again, my stomach feels empty, it shouldn’t. Please feel better, I deserve to feel better. Let me check it…OK around 130/80 pulse 67. That makes me feel better. Going to try and sleep now. One day at a time…one day at a time.
ipod death
Super fucking pissed right now. For no apparent reason my one year old ipod classic just fucking died. It’s out of warranty and they want $150.00 bucks to repair it. This is fucking bullshit. It’s just over a year since I got it, what a fucking disappointment.
Signs.
I’m having some bad symptoms right now. I feel woozy, kind of scared to fall asleep. As if I wont wake up if I do. I’ve been feeling great for a couple of weeks and now again, these shit feelings come up. I feel weird. Stomach has that sour feeling again. Like it’s not digesting food properly. I’m hoping it’s a quick one. Nothing that will linger for too long. Been feeling ansi recently. I really need some personal attention. I need to fuck someone. Trying not to think about it, but can’t help it. I don’t want just find any old broad and have sex. I wonder if I try at another relationship, if it will stick this time. Will I get bored again? Will it become just another mess? All I know is that right now I want to be with someone. I hate when I get these feelings. I don’t want to have another manic episode. Writing helps, wondering if anyone out there is reading this. Do you have any of these problems?
Poor
At this point in my life I consider myself to be part of the new face of poverty in America. I’m unemployed and hope to be part of the working poor soon. I never thought I would say that, but there it is.
An OK one.
Today was a pretty decent day. Didn’t have too many problems. My stomach still feels weird, but not as much. Still have headaches and some rumblings. But all in all it was a pretty good day. Hope to worst is past for now.
In more mural news, here’s one that just got put up on the wall of our accounting department at HQ. (Also, someone’s poinsettia.)
Source: barackobama
Off the drugs.
It’s been a year now since I last took Zoloft. I can’t say I feel any better without…then I did with that shit in my system. I have my ups and downs, but the downs have been getting worse recently. Worst part is that I don’t have health insurance and I can’t afford to see a good doctor on a regular basis. My sleep patterns suck recently and have a had a constant pressure in my head. I don’t have suicidal thoughts, well not as bad as I use to. But I would be OK with dying just so I don’t have to deal with this pain. I swear I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep I seem to be hallucinating. My mind wont relax and shut off. My body feels like it’s radiating or pumping battery acid through my veins. I want this to stop so badly. Why can’t my fucking body work better?
Two ways through life